A Splash of Humor and a Dash of Asshole

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LOVE…….is not an ingredient

cock_soup

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Love…..is not an ingredient”

You can’t put “love” in any recipe I have ever worked with. People that refer to “love” as the most important ingredient, should not be cooking. They fall into the same category of people that make such ridiculous comments as “this is like an orgasm in my mouth,” or “food is better that sex.” I don’t want anything I cook to be compared to love or sex. It is possible to passionate while cooking a dish or to love creating things in a kitchen, but love is not an actual ingredient. If you are a shitty cook, throwing a little “love” into your dish will not help it.

Cooking as a career is about passion and desire but the actual act of creating food in a kitchen is about technique and ingredients. There actually are not  many “great” cooks in the world. Chemicals and immersion circulators have there place in professional kitchens, but modern innovation will never surpass classical technique. A cook should always be able to pick up a protein, season it accordingly and cook it perfectly in a pan.

Cook WITH “love” but don’t rely on “love” to save your shitty dish.

Thomas Keller Cheated On Me With Sysco

I can’t believe it. I feel so violated.

Read the following article on Grub Street New York

Keller Cops to Using — No! — Frozen Fries

Keller: Also frozen?Photo: Patrick McMullan

In his cookbook Bouchon, Thomas Keller explains how to make the perfect French fries, instructing readers to hand-cut and then refrigerate russet potatoes submerged in water for several hours. As it turns out, Keller isn’t going to quite so much trouble at his Bouchon Bistros: A tipster told us he uses Sysco fries, and though a rep from the restaurant didn’t offer the brand name, she did confirm, after speaking with Keller, that he favors frozens.

And why would that be?

One of the top reasons Bouchon uses frozen French Fries is consistency. The quality of the frozen fries we use, and that of frozen fries in general today, is very good. We use fries which are 100% potato, which do not contain additives. The consistency in these fries is often better than that of fresh potatoes.The second reason is capacity. Bouchon would need to use over 200 pounds of potatoes a day to fulfill French Fry orders. In addition to space in the kitchen, it would require an exorbitant amount of manpower to process this large of an amount of potatoes into useable French Fries.

 

Frozen is better than fresh? Tell that to Telepan owner and Haute Barnyard guru Bill Telepan. “The frozen ones have a strange edge to them from all the things they add — like sugar and starch and hydrogenated oil — to make them crispy. It’s so easy to make fresh French fries, I can’t imagine why anyone would do anything else. The only possible reason is cost.” —Daniel Maurer

 

 

I can understand using frozen fries when serving that many people. Wait a second, no I can’t. Not only are you Thomas Fucking Keller, but you have the balls to include a recipe for french fries in your cookbook when your serving frozen fries? Listen, I like frozen french fries as much as the next guy, but not when I’m eating at a Thomas Keller restaurant. The mother fuckin’ culinary “God” is charging $7 for some frozen fries he refers to as Pommes Frites? That’s some straight up bullshit. Next thing you know, he will be getting these from Sysco too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In conclusion, I have a ton of respect for Chef Keller. I think he is a rare, amazing combination of talent and dedication. But seriously, there are 100 culinary students at your back door willing to  make fresh fries for free 20 hours a day.

Queer Eye for that Fieri Guy

Sad but true.

Forget Oysters, Pizza Makes Me Soooooooo Horny

Oh my god, hot-dog-stuffed-crust pizza, humans are no longer authorized to make food

By Jess Zimmerman

Although my job obviously requires me to intermittently make fun of McDonald’s, in my real life I actually try not to be elitist and judgmental about the food people choose to eat. However, I think this may have crossed my line. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU WHY IS YOUR PIZZA CRUST HOT DOGS WHY IS YOUR SANDWICH BREAD FRIED CHICKEN WHY CAN’T YOU BE SATISFIED TO EAT ONE FOOD AT A TIME

This pizza is for reals, and it’s offered by Pizza Hut in the U.K., a fact that I determined by having to type the phrase “mustard drizzle” into Google, see what I do for you people? So for once, the let’s-double-fist-everything-we-can-reach Frankenjunkfood thing isn’t the fault of Americans. In fact, it’s not even the fault of the Brits: Wiener-stuffed pizza has evidently been available in Thailand and Japan for years.

My one consolation: When this comes to the U.S. (which it will, like a moth to a flame), it’s going to make one hell of a Sandwich Monday.

(Via @chrismear on Twitter)

Jess Zimmerman is the editor of Grist List.

The Absolute Best iPad Cooking App Around

Finally, a reason to buy and iPad

Old people are so fucking stupid.

Fuck Kitchen Nightmares

Fuck Kitchen Nightmares, seriously!

 The bullshit they show on that show is no nightmare, it’s just people that are really stupid. To have the opportunity to own your own restaurant and piss it away is pure stupidity. Having rotten chicken on your walk in or microwaving entrees to order is a pure lack of caring. Luckily, I have never seen a cook fuck with a customers food. I have heard horror stories, but have never witnessed it. I have seen plenty of cooks do gnarly shit to servers food and even each others, but never a customers. . You want to hear some real kitchen nightmares? These are actual things I have witnessed in kitchens throughout the years (I may or may not have been involved, I take no responsibility).

* Walking in the employee bathroom and catching a dishwasher “tugging his tamale” with his cell phone in the other hand and his apron still on

* Getting a blowjob from a waitress in the walk in while leaning against the door so nobody can walk in on you.

* Smoking a joint in the dishpit and exhaling into the exhaust fan ………. during service

* Doing lines off of anything and everything in the kitchen. Some examples include: the pass, a chef knife, prep tables, dinner plates, the back side of sheet trays and even an occasional toilet in the bathroom.

* Specials consisting of things that are anything but “special.”

* Chefs telling cooks to “sell it anyway” when they should be saying “what the fuck is that, did you shit on that plate.”

* Front of the house staff filling their empty bellies with customers leftovers instead of scraping the plates in the garbage.

* Chefs doing their “grocery shopping” in the walk in of their restaurant and then bitching about food cost

* A very drunk chef acting out scenes from Scarface in the bar of their own restaurant with a room full of customers

* A bar manager bringing his own register into work and ringing in drinks on it all night and pocketing the cash

* Cooks turn one portion of a protein into 3 on the fly (we really make magic happen sometimes)

* A pastry chef sleep on a bed made of dirty linen bags in the locker room so his drunk ass could be on time for his shift in the morning (he was still late)

* A cook who thought the granita for the oysters was actually ice shaved from the walls of the freezer…..and served it

* A late night family meal of pasta made with kief butter

* A chef smoke so much weed on a shift, he spent 2 hours staring at the flame in the pizza oven

* A dishwasher spend his entire shift washing dishes topless because his “shirt got wet”

* A chef hand his cooks a recipe printed off of the food network website,  and tell them that is what we are running as the special for the evening

* A breakfast cook being so drunk he can barely stand up, but yet he can sling over easy eggs like a motherfucker

I have always wanted to see an accurate depiction of kitchen life on television. I think it really could be a huge hit. No bullshit “chef” yelling at fake line cooks or cooks being forced to make amazing food out of a mystery bag full of dicks and quinoa. Im talking about uncensored line cooks working their asses off and being dirt bags. It could be golden.

Sushi Shitheads

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today I ate at a sushi restaurant.

Today I witnessed a bunch of shitheads at that sushi restaurant.

Today I thought of a list of things I hope to never see at a sushi restaurant ever again.

 

1. People rubbing their chopsticks together before using them. You’re not trying to start a fire to cook your fish dumbass. It’s supposed to be raw. I assume that is what you are trying to do.

2. Bullshit “Americanized” Sushi. The “Philadelphia Roll?” Cream cheese does not belong in a sushi roll. When I think of delicious sushi, the last thing that comes to mind is Philadelphia. When I think of Philly, I think cheesesteaks the birthplace of The Fresh Prince.

3. People ordering teriyaki. Stop being a pussy and order sushi. The thought of eating raw fish gives you the heebie-jeebies? Leave the restaurant and go find yourself a Big Mac. After you finish eating it, please go fuck yourself.

4. Don’t adopt a shitty “Asian” accent when ordering. No bullshit, today I witnessed a guy try to order with the most the most offensive faux accent I have ever heard. After his order, he proceeded to put his hands together and bow his head. I really wanted to kick his ass.

5. White Chefs. Traditional sushi chefs spend years learning how to make rice. The slave over getting it perfect before they are even allowed to touch fish. The last thing I want to see when I enter a sushi place is some Le Cordon Bleu graduate in a sad excuse for a Karate Kid costume making my sushi. They probably could make a mean teriyaki chicken though.

 

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