A Splash of Humor and a Dash of Asshole

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LOVE…….is not an ingredient

cock_soup

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Love…..is not an ingredient”

You can’t put “love” in any recipe I have ever worked with. People that refer to “love” as the most important ingredient, should not be cooking. They fall into the same category of people that make such ridiculous comments as “this is like an orgasm in my mouth,” or “food is better that sex.” I don’t want anything I cook to be compared to love or sex. It is possible to passionate while cooking a dish or to love creating things in a kitchen, but love is not an actual ingredient. If you are a shitty cook, throwing a little “love” into your dish will not help it.

Cooking as a career is about passion and desire but the actual act of creating food in a kitchen is about technique and ingredients. There actually are not  many “great” cooks in the world. Chemicals and immersion circulators have there place in professional kitchens, but modern innovation will never surpass classical technique. A cook should always be able to pick up a protein, season it accordingly and cook it perfectly in a pan.

Cook WITH “love” but don’t rely on “love” to save your shitty dish.

Thomas Keller Cheated On Me With Sysco

I can’t believe it. I feel so violated.

Read the following article on Grub Street New York

Keller Cops to Using — No! — Frozen Fries

Keller: Also frozen?Photo: Patrick McMullan

In his cookbook Bouchon, Thomas Keller explains how to make the perfect French fries, instructing readers to hand-cut and then refrigerate russet potatoes submerged in water for several hours. As it turns out, Keller isn’t going to quite so much trouble at his Bouchon Bistros: A tipster told us he uses Sysco fries, and though a rep from the restaurant didn’t offer the brand name, she did confirm, after speaking with Keller, that he favors frozens.

And why would that be?

One of the top reasons Bouchon uses frozen French Fries is consistency. The quality of the frozen fries we use, and that of frozen fries in general today, is very good. We use fries which are 100% potato, which do not contain additives. The consistency in these fries is often better than that of fresh potatoes.The second reason is capacity. Bouchon would need to use over 200 pounds of potatoes a day to fulfill French Fry orders. In addition to space in the kitchen, it would require an exorbitant amount of manpower to process this large of an amount of potatoes into useable French Fries.

 

Frozen is better than fresh? Tell that to Telepan owner and Haute Barnyard guru Bill Telepan. “The frozen ones have a strange edge to them from all the things they add — like sugar and starch and hydrogenated oil — to make them crispy. It’s so easy to make fresh French fries, I can’t imagine why anyone would do anything else. The only possible reason is cost.” —Daniel Maurer

 

 

I can understand using frozen fries when serving that many people. Wait a second, no I can’t. Not only are you Thomas Fucking Keller, but you have the balls to include a recipe for french fries in your cookbook when your serving frozen fries? Listen, I like frozen french fries as much as the next guy, but not when I’m eating at a Thomas Keller restaurant. The mother fuckin’ culinary “God” is charging $7 for some frozen fries he refers to as Pommes Frites? That’s some straight up bullshit. Next thing you know, he will be getting these from Sysco too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In conclusion, I have a ton of respect for Chef Keller. I think he is a rare, amazing combination of talent and dedication. But seriously, there are 100 culinary students at your back door willing to  make fresh fries for free 20 hours a day.

Queer Eye for that Fieri Guy

Sad but true.

Forget Oysters, Pizza Makes Me Soooooooo Horny

Oh my god, hot-dog-stuffed-crust pizza, humans are no longer authorized to make food

By Jess Zimmerman

Although my job obviously requires me to intermittently make fun of McDonald’s, in my real life I actually try not to be elitist and judgmental about the food people choose to eat. However, I think this may have crossed my line. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU WHY IS YOUR PIZZA CRUST HOT DOGS WHY IS YOUR SANDWICH BREAD FRIED CHICKEN WHY CAN’T YOU BE SATISFIED TO EAT ONE FOOD AT A TIME

This pizza is for reals, and it’s offered by Pizza Hut in the U.K., a fact that I determined by having to type the phrase “mustard drizzle” into Google, see what I do for you people? So for once, the let’s-double-fist-everything-we-can-reach Frankenjunkfood thing isn’t the fault of Americans. In fact, it’s not even the fault of the Brits: Wiener-stuffed pizza has evidently been available in Thailand and Japan for years.

My one consolation: When this comes to the U.S. (which it will, like a moth to a flame), it’s going to make one hell of a Sandwich Monday.

(Via @chrismear on Twitter)

Jess Zimmerman is the editor of Grist List.

The Absolute Best iPad Cooking App Around

Finally, a reason to buy and iPad

Old people are so fucking stupid.

Fuck Kitchen Nightmares

Fuck Kitchen Nightmares, seriously!

 The bullshit they show on that show is no nightmare, it’s just people that are really stupid. To have the opportunity to own your own restaurant and piss it away is pure stupidity. Having rotten chicken on your walk in or microwaving entrees to order is a pure lack of caring. Luckily, I have never seen a cook fuck with a customers food. I have heard horror stories, but have never witnessed it. I have seen plenty of cooks do gnarly shit to servers food and even each others, but never a customers. . You want to hear some real kitchen nightmares? These are actual things I have witnessed in kitchens throughout the years (I may or may not have been involved, I take no responsibility).

* Walking in the employee bathroom and catching a dishwasher “tugging his tamale” with his cell phone in the other hand and his apron still on

* Getting a blowjob from a waitress in the walk in while leaning against the door so nobody can walk in on you.

* Smoking a joint in the dishpit and exhaling into the exhaust fan ………. during service

* Doing lines off of anything and everything in the kitchen. Some examples include: the pass, a chef knife, prep tables, dinner plates, the back side of sheet trays and even an occasional toilet in the bathroom.

* Specials consisting of things that are anything but “special.”

* Chefs telling cooks to “sell it anyway” when they should be saying “what the fuck is that, did you shit on that plate.”

* Front of the house staff filling their empty bellies with customers leftovers instead of scraping the plates in the garbage.

* Chefs doing their “grocery shopping” in the walk in of their restaurant and then bitching about food cost

* A very drunk chef acting out scenes from Scarface in the bar of their own restaurant with a room full of customers

* A bar manager bringing his own register into work and ringing in drinks on it all night and pocketing the cash

* Cooks turn one portion of a protein into 3 on the fly (we really make magic happen sometimes)

* A pastry chef sleep on a bed made of dirty linen bags in the locker room so his drunk ass could be on time for his shift in the morning (he was still late)

* A cook who thought the granita for the oysters was actually ice shaved from the walls of the freezer…..and served it

* A late night family meal of pasta made with kief butter

* A chef smoke so much weed on a shift, he spent 2 hours staring at the flame in the pizza oven

* A dishwasher spend his entire shift washing dishes topless because his “shirt got wet”

* A chef hand his cooks a recipe printed off of the food network website,  and tell them that is what we are running as the special for the evening

* A breakfast cook being so drunk he can barely stand up, but yet he can sling over easy eggs like a motherfucker

I have always wanted to see an accurate depiction of kitchen life on television. I think it really could be a huge hit. No bullshit “chef” yelling at fake line cooks or cooks being forced to make amazing food out of a mystery bag full of dicks and quinoa. Im talking about uncensored line cooks working their asses off and being dirt bags. It could be golden.

Sushi Shitheads

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today I ate at a sushi restaurant.

Today I witnessed a bunch of shitheads at that sushi restaurant.

Today I thought of a list of things I hope to never see at a sushi restaurant ever again.

 

1. People rubbing their chopsticks together before using them. You’re not trying to start a fire to cook your fish dumbass. It’s supposed to be raw. I assume that is what you are trying to do.

2. Bullshit “Americanized” Sushi. The “Philadelphia Roll?” Cream cheese does not belong in a sushi roll. When I think of delicious sushi, the last thing that comes to mind is Philadelphia. When I think of Philly, I think cheesesteaks the birthplace of The Fresh Prince.

3. People ordering teriyaki. Stop being a pussy and order sushi. The thought of eating raw fish gives you the heebie-jeebies? Leave the restaurant and go find yourself a Big Mac. After you finish eating it, please go fuck yourself.

4. Don’t adopt a shitty “Asian” accent when ordering. No bullshit, today I witnessed a guy try to order with the most the most offensive faux accent I have ever heard. After his order, he proceeded to put his hands together and bow his head. I really wanted to kick his ass.

5. White Chefs. Traditional sushi chefs spend years learning how to make rice. The slave over getting it perfect before they are even allowed to touch fish. The last thing I want to see when I enter a sushi place is some Le Cordon Bleu graduate in a sad excuse for a Karate Kid costume making my sushi. They probably could make a mean teriyaki chicken though.

 

The Hack Chronicles – By Chef Douglas Alexander

Why Does He Hate Salmon So Much?

I imagine this chef was a young man when it happened. He was probably asleep dreaming of one day being a lawyer, a tax accountant or a fireman when they came. The door of the family home was torn from the hinges in a violent fury. He was woken from his dream by the anguished screams of his mother.

Terrified, he ran into the family room only to see the salmon on full attack. One bit off his father’s arm with a sickening crunch splashing gore across the room splashing across the boy’s Winnie the Pooh pajamas. His mother ran into the kitchen only to be cornered by another pair of the giant fish. They toyed with her chasing her between them on massive fins until finally laughing and tore her in two.

The boy had sunk to his knees, broken, his father’s blood spreading in a pool in front of him. Somehow the dismembered man was able to squeak out the words ‘get them, my son. Make them pay.’ His words ended with a sudden crunch as his head was splintered by the mighty jaws of the one of the largest salmon in the room.

Soon they circled around him. He awaited his own death. Instead, inexplicably the salmon laughed and quickly exited the house leaving the boy crying and alone with the blood, the carnage, the destruction.

‘Yes, father. I will get them. Oh, yes I will…

Or at least that is what I hope happened.

You truly have to watch this to really get the understanding of why I am hoping that this man’s family was killed by salmon and he has vowed revenge. Why else would he so savagely destroy this noble fish?

At first you I thought he might be alright. Why would you videotape yourself cutting a fish if you were not good at it? The beheading was done well. The knife is very sharp and heavy. It takes the head off with ease. He even removes the first side basically nicely. However at the 36 second mark you see what looks to be about a quarter inch of flesh left on the skeleton.

It then goes bad. What happens during the two cut scenes I am not certain, but I think in the director’s cut he is seen ejaculating upon the still to be fully brutalized salmon.

The way he takes off the skeleton is savage and without remorse. How much meat is left upon it is of no consequence. This is the salmon that killed his mother after all.

At the 1:33 mark he is taking off a lot of bone and flesh from the top side of the fillet. Why? Nobody willingly does this when breaking down a salmon.

The removal of the rib bones seems a labor. He is not cutting apart a cow here. This is maybe a ten pound salmon. Knowing someone who has the very same deba, I know it is a great knife. This guy is just a sadist bent on vengeance against all salmon kind.

At 2:29 my stomach turns as he has flayed the creature of it’s skin and is now just shredding it. He is documenting on video the fact that he has no technique and should be ashamed. I am ashamed for him.

Finally he pinbones the fucking thing and begins to portion it. Observe his lack of a scale. He is so good he doesn’t need one, ladies and gentlemen! Look at the way he just tossed the uneven portions around not worrying if he is tearing the flesh.

After all of his amazing work we have six uneven, inconsistent portions per side. Fuck me.

I truly expected him at some point to just start hacking at the fish like a maniac.

I can only take solace in the hopes it was a piece of shit farmed Atlantic salmon and not something wild that might require skill and respect when cutting.

Not everyone is Morimoto when it comes to fish fabrication, but this was just staggeringly bad. And to videotape it and post it on the internet for other people to see is just asking for derision.

You sir, despite your great knife and music video are a hack! Trade that knife for a hammer and start making shoes!

Kitchen Zen

There are moments as cooks where the craziness of a kitchen suddenly becomes silent. Times when the the fast paced, balls to the wall kitchen life suddenly slows down and becomes peaceful. These moments are often short but very sweet. Let me preface by saying, none of these are true if you are behind in your day. If you don’t arrive at least an hour before your shift, you will probably never experience any of these moments. Also, if you are a talentless, slow, worthless piece of shit cook, stop reading now because all of this is simply a fantasy you will never experience. You should go get high and drop off that resume at 7/11. Maybe you will someday write an amazing blog about Slurpee Zen, but you will never experience any of these sweet, sweet times. Here are some of my personal favorites:

Pre Service

– Peeling Garlic
– Plucking Thyme
– Skimming Sauces
– Trimming Filet
– Frenching Chops
– Removing Pinbones in Salmon
– Slicing Chives
– Flipping out Your Mise into Clean
Pans
– Crossing the Final Things off of
Your Prep List

Mid Service

– Clearing the Rail
– Slicing Meat and Realizing it is
Cooked Perfectly
– When You’re Fully Weeded and You
Look Up For a Second to See a Hot
Blonde with Ginormous Bazookas
Being Ushered to Her Table
– Tasting a Perfectly Reduced Sauce

Post Service

– The First Ice Cold Beer
– The Second the Shitty Food
Encrusted Boom Box Gets Switched
Back On
– Hearing the Covers Count
– Switching the Lights Off and Hearing
the Door Close Behind You

Let me further explain by stating that none of these are a guaranteed moment of Zen. Most of these things can be a huge pain in the ass if you’re not in the perfect situation. But then again, if you would have shown up earlier you could have probably stopped to enjoy them. I almost forgot the most Zen-Like moments ever………….Getting a Blow Job in the walk-in.

Now please enjoy these photos I boosted from former dishwashers’ Facebook pages. They are the hardest working motherfuckers on the planet, but they also play hard. I’m sure you can tell.

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The 24 Hour Lamb Leg

I don’t take high quality photos

-I’m a cook, not a photographer

I don’t give measurements or recipes

-I’m sure you can figure it out

I don’t tell you when to season

-You should know that or you shouldn’t be cooking

THE LAMB

Boned. rolled and tied lamb leg, marinated overnight in red wine

Vacuum seal with garlic,  a bunch of butter and thyme

Sous vide for 24 hours at 60 degrees celsius

Pat dry and season

Brown with a few thyme sprigs in a mixture of half olive oil and half butter

Baste it like it’s your job, and you love your job

Flip it and continue to do your job

Remove from the pan and give it a rest

Slice it with a sharp knife. If your knife is not sharp, you are more than likely not sharp. Write that down.

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THE SAUCE

Start with some lamb ribs. If they are unavailable use some other sort of meat and bone combination.

Sear the ribs

Add some thyme and a little butter

Add half and onion and a head of garlic cut in half.

Deglaze with red wine and reduce by half

Add beef stock to cover and simmer for a few hours

Strain

Mount with butter just before service

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Mushrooms and Melted Leeks

Cut mushrooms and let dry out on a towel overnight. Dry mushrooms make crispy mushrooms, and mushrooms should always be crispy. (I used crimini and chantrelles)

Working in small batches, start in hot oil and finish in cold butter

While they are crisping, slick your leeks thin. Make sure to impress your audience with amazing knife work.

Remove the mushrooms and in the same pan add leeks and a bunch of butter.

Cook low and slow until leeks are “melty”

Add a touch of cream and cook until it is all absorbed

Add the mushrooms back and incorporate

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THE PLATE