Please say it aint so
The following is a list of things I hope I never have to witness in a professional kitchen ever again.
1) OVEN MITTS – I know that mommy got you that killer oven mitt with the little hearts on it for Valentines Day and it makes you feel safe and protected with it on, but please leave it at home. If you bring it into work it should be expected that you will be made fun of and have it subjected to being soaked in fish stock and frozen. This also includes the infamous “Ov Glove”
2) THE MARIAH CAREY CHRISTMAS ALBUM- Not only does it totally suck and ruins the holidays but it also makes me want to stab myself in the ear.
3) Chuck Taylors – I understand that a kitchen is exactly the perfect place to make a fashion statement but when slip and break your ass bone, trust me you wont look cool.
4) Bandanas- Strap on that sick red bandana. Now please step in front of the mirror and look at yourself. If you see yourself and still think you look like one badass homeboy, please feel free to wear it to work. And when you stroll through the backdoor in your bandana and ripped jeans please break out into a solo of “Paradise City.” That wasn’t met to be a compliment.
5) Creamy Liquid Fryer Shortening – Spend a few extra bucks and buy something decent. If your restaurant begins with “La” or “Casa” please disregard and hook me up with some chips.
6) Chicken of Beef Base – Learn how to make stock, it will change your life.
7) The Grateful Dead – No particular reason besides they really, really suck.
8 ) The Word Essence on a Menu – It should be used solely to describe bathroom air fresheners, not that chicken stock to which you added some cheap truffle scented oil to jack up the price on the menu.
9) Chef Pants with Pictures of Such Things as Chili Peppers or Fish on them- If you read this and you get bummed out, you should leave the pants on, bend over and kick your own ass right away.
10) The Miracle Blade – Chef Tony showed all of us you can slice a tomato after you just used them to saw through a brick. No bullshit, Wikipedia says since 1989 over 18 million of these things have been sold. Chef Tony must be legit. Please take another bong rip and order them right away, the phone number is 1-800-BULLSHIT
I realize some of these things might be a bit harsh or hurt your feelings. If they do, I am truly sorry. You are a total tool!