A Splash of Humor and a Dash of Asshole

Dear “Foodies”

Dear Foodies,

I have come across many of you over the years and I appreciate you very much. I can respect your passion for delicious food and your desire to share your opinion. I know that you have awesome blogs about how good the food was at this restaurant and how everything was under seasoned at that restaurant. I understand that if it wasn’t for your high paying, glitzy corporate job you would definitely either be the newspapers food critic or a judge on some awesome Food Network cooking competition. I just have a few favors to ask you to take into consideration next time you step into a restaurant looking for a mind blowing experience. I ask these not to make my life easier, but rather to improve your dining experience.

1. Please do not order the steak or any other protein if you prefer it well done. Jesus Christ is not working the line tonight; therefore we can’t make a well done steak that is still juicy and tender. And what exactly is the difference between well done and cooked until it sucks and then cook it 2 minutes more? Well done should be changed to “can you please completely ruin a beautiful piece of meat for me?” And while we’re on the topic, medium well should be outlawed. People that order medium well are too scared to eat anything still pink and still want to be cool enough not to order well done. Unless you’re eating that $5 dollar dive bar special at 4 a.m. chances are the meat will not kill you and it will taste damn good cooked medium rare or medium. If you are not sure, a safe response would be ” please prepare it the way the kitchen recommends.”

2. Please do not season your food before giving it a taste. Restaurants that ask if you would like freshly ground pepper on your food before you have even taken a single bite should be burned to the ground. Why don’t they just approach the table and say “Our chef sucks and doesn’t know what the hell he is doing back there.” Cooks take pride in seasoning their food properly and most of the time we are pretty good at it. That said, if you taste it and feel like it could use and extra pinch of salt or a touch of pepper, go right ahead. Then it becomes your preference and not a douchebag move.

3. If you order something and don’t care for it, please let us make you something new. We know the reason you sat down and ordered was because you were hungry, please don’t leave that way. We understand you may not dig what you ordered the first time, we are more than likely to make your second choice the best thing to leave the kitchen all night. If you’re server comes back with your plate in her hand and says “He didn’t like this and he says he doesn’t want anything else.” Translation in cookology: “He thinks your pasta sucks.” Just give us another chance to make you happy and satisfied before you leave.

4. Please don’t tell your server your allergic to something you really just don’t care for. You’re deathly allergic to garlic? You say “So the lamb shank was braised with garlic and the potatoes it’s served with were roasted with garlic? I’m sure I will be okay, just don’t add any extra.” You are a liar and you hurt my feelings.

5. Last but not least, please don’t get creative. Mr. “I would like the Duck Confit with the beans from the pork chop, the demi from the steak, the herb salad from the salmon and could you add some chili flake to that? I have no response for you. Oh wait, please go see that creepy king from the Burger King commercials. Last time I checked that’s where you can get it “Your way, right away.” Minor tweaks are okay to please your palate, but don’t try to create a new menu.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my suggestions.


One response

  1. Turbz

    Hahahaha, I could not agree more. Its good to hear these stories and rants again.

    May 10, 2010 at 3:25 am

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