A Splash of Humor and a Dash of Asshole

Stand and Deliver

Delivering food to restaurants is not a hard job to do. However, lately we have been getting some drivers who should probably consider a career change. They would probably be better qualified to work as mall security. Here are a few rules I would like to see all delivery drivers follow from now on:

1) Please don’t look at me like I am inconveniencing you as I proceed to inspect every item that you have just delivered. I am just doing my job, and I don’t care if you’re in a hurry. And by the way, I usually find something that either you or your company messed up with my order.

2) Don’t act like I’m inconveniencing you when I send product back. I know that only 1 lemon in the middle of the box was moldy and the rest of the case looks fine, but I want a whole new case. You think that I don’t know you’re not the one who inspected that case of lemons before it left the warehouse? I fully understand that’s not your job, but you still are responsible for getting me a new case. Please don’t take it personally.

3) RESPECT THE PRODUCT, PLEASE! Do not stack a 50# sack of onions on top of my box of greens. Do not stack my product so high that it is falling off of your hand truck as you wheel it in. And most of all, please don’t drop or toss things around as you unload it. Please respect the product as if it were your own, unless you want your job to be harder than it has to be.

4) If you arrive during service, turn right back around and come back later. Do not unload your truck and please don’t even enter the restaurant. I don’t care if you park your truck and spend some quality time sitting outside in your truck, just don’t make any attempt to unload my order. Enough said.

Not all of you are worthless. Some of you even see to care about the product you are delivering. Some of you care enough to let me know about that new cheese your company just started carrying or those beautiful zucchini blossoms that just came in this morning. For those of you that actually care, not only do I appreciate the job that you do but I actually enjoy dealing with you. For the rest of you out there, please quit your job immediately, and make my life easier.

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One response

  1. sharon sessler

    Dear angry chef,

    I am not sure who your distributer is but I wish I could lend you mine from L.A. The drivers are amazing and my salesman is genius! My deliveries are always on time and correct. Often times my salesman throws in little surprises like champagne grapes (even when they are not in season), hibiscus flowers, hautbois, physalis, granadilla, atemoya, angosteen, shishitos, and other exotics I may not otherwise be aware of. The drivers take such care, you would think it was their own personal product. The company is West Central Produce out of Los Angeles, and they put the likes of Sysco and Rykoff to shame (sorry Marty). Wish I could send them your way. I feel your frustration. My meat purveyor on the other hand, I watch like a hawk, he usually pads my order with an average of 10 lbs. of extra bullshit every week. As for my wonderful produce drivers, I have to say, I kill them with kindness (a cup of soup, sodas, waters & quesadillas),
    seems to seal the deal. Keep on em till they fly straight, or else find someone else better!
    Best,
    Sharon

    July 28, 2010 at 4:21 pm

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