A Splash of Humor and a Dash of Asshole

There’s No Crying in the Kitchen!


“Vag on the line causes problems”

– Chef L.G. 2008

This racy quote can easily be taken out of context. It doesn’t mean girls shouldn’t be cooks or chefs. In my opinion, girls rank just below Chicanos and right above career changers on my culinary totem pole. White dudes with culinary degrees are at the bottom of the pole. The vag simply refers to there being no room for pussies in professional kitchens.

Anyone working in professional kitchens knows the pussies I’m talking about. Here are a few examples:

1. The guy that calls in sick with a hangover.

– Dude, you need to suck it up and get your ass into work. You knew you had to work the next day while you were pounding those Apple Martinis. Sweating it out on the line might be the best hangover cure anyway.

2. The guy who cuts his finger and goes to the hospital in the middle of service.

– The best fix for any cut is some super glue and a finger cot. If it’s a real “gusher,” top it off with some gauze and wrap it in duct tape. The last thing you should consider is leaving your soldiers behind in the trenches while you are reading a copy of Highlights magazine waiting for a stitch.

3. The guy who asks for New Years Eve off because his girlfriend wants to spend the night together.

– There are a few days in restaurants that are “sacred.” If you ask for them off, you should expect to be harassed for the remainder of you employment.

4. The guy who breaks down and cries on line after the chef rips him a new asshole.

– I’m not kidding, I have seen this happen twice in my lifetime. I still tell their stories as often as possible.

Pussies don’t belong in the kitchen.

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One response

  1. renzo

    True….True

    December 23, 2010 at 7:25 am

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