Are you married to a chef, or thinking about dating one? Do you understand your role as a chef’s wife? Let me go ahead and lay it all out there for you.
1. Do not complain about the hours we work. The more that you whine and bitch about the long days and absent nights, the longer we want to stay at work. We will find extra shit to do before we leave to buy a few extra minutes of peace before going home and listening to your bullshit. Another thing, if we say we will be home at 1 and we walk in the door at 2, please don’t ask why we are late. We were busy.
2. Do not call the restaurant to talk to us unless it is an absolute emergency. Emergencies are limited to someone being dead, almost dead or something being on fire. The worst thing you could do would be to call the kitchen to ask what time we are going to be home. This actually happened to me a long time ago and the kitchen phone was subsequently thrown at the wall and broken. Trying to reach us on our cell phone is also unacceptable. Having your man pick up his cell phone on the line is putting his life in extreme danger. He will be either verbally or physically abused and you will be to blame. The one exception to this rule is a simple text message letting us know that you can’t wait until we get home so that you can blow us. Any call or text of a sexual nature is always accepted and greatly encouraged. You can be our “sexual sous” anytime.
3. Do not expect us to come home and cook you a tasting menu. When we cook at home we don’t want the same pressure we have at work. It’s like asking a stripper to give you a lap dance when she gets home, it’s just not happening. Another thing, please don’t try to make us five-star meals at home. We want you to cook us the stuff that we know and love. We would much rather have you make us a casserole or your famous beef stew, than try to make some sorry ass attempt at coq au vin. Stick to what you know, it’s called comfort food for a reason.
4. Please do not tell us how shitty we look or how bad we smell when we walk through the door after a long shift. You think we don’t know our hair is messed up and we smell like crap. The combination of fryer grease, sweat, raw garlic and fish residue will never be the new Drakkar Noir. Trust me, we know that. How bout you throw those clothes in the laundry and bring me a cold beer while I take a shower.
5. Don’t touch our knives or tools. Get your own set, and only use those. My wife couldn’t even tell you what my knives look at, and that’s the way it should be.
If you can live with these things, then go ahead and marry that chef. If not, go to your local bank and find your new man there. He will pull those long 9 to 5 shifts and come home in his shirt and tie every night. He will probably be stoked on that shitty chicken recipe you jacked from Rachel Ray too.