A Splash of Humor and a Dash of Asshole

You Think You’re a Good Cook?

They key to being a great cook is a grasp of the basics. You have to be able to execute the simplest of dishes, and be consistent night after night. So, you think you’re a good cook?  You think you’re a fucking all-star? Prove it!

* Can you cook a sunny side up egg perfectly? I don’t mean can you break the yolk three times in a row and the fourth one comes out perfectly. You need to be able to have the yolk be perfect and have the whites not be runny twenty times in a row while working twelve other pans at the same time.

* Can you small dice twenty onions in a timely manner? Really, I mean small dice them, not hack them to shreds. That double knife chopping bullshit you see on Iron Chef won’t fly here.  Just use one knife, and cut them small on the first try.

* Can you tell when a steak or burger is cooked medium by touching it? Grabbing that beautiful piece of meat and piercing it with your tongs so you can get a look inside is bullshit. When you do that, I want to grab your tongs and shove them right up your ass. Shit like that compromises the meat and it’s just not acceptable.

* Can you mis en place your memory?  Can you remember what you have working and on deck at all times? Nothing proves your epic hackiness more than asking for all days after every few tickets. If you have a shitty memory and are not good at mental organization you will never be an asset in any kitchen.

* Can you work neatly and efficiently while getting fucked? Get your minds out of the gutter, I’m not talking about sex. I’m asking if you can keep your station clean and organized on a busy Saturday night while simultaneously working twenty tickets. Nothing will make you look more like an incompetent asshole than having a messy station while you’re weeded.

* Have you ever run out of something during service and been completely surprised? You should always know how much of everything you have, period. You think you getting anywhere close to having to 86 something? Tell the Chef sooner rather than later, it will prevent you from being verbally and possibly physically abused.

Until you can do all of these things, please do not consider yourself a bad ass. Do not ask for a raise and do not expect to be promoted. You would be surprised at how many people consider themselves to be good cooks. The majority of them are actually retards with a pair of tongs, a starched jacket and a shiny knife.


3 responses

  1. Marcus Franco

    im more sharper than ever now boss….. i can honestly put myself in this category now. nice pic of renzo too lol

    May 12, 2011 at 9:05 pm

  2. Badass motherfucking cook

    !I am the real deal. And I do it while kicking the asses of pretenders!

    May 12, 2011 at 9:46 pm

  3. Erin

    I failed miserably last night on middle. I haven’t felt so incompetent since I first started working. Soooooooo much to learn and grace to develop.

    May 15, 2011 at 8:49 pm

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