A Splash of Humor and a Dash of Asshole

The Hack Chronicles – By Chef Douglas Alexander

Why Does He Hate Salmon So Much?

I imagine this chef was a young man when it happened. He was probably asleep dreaming of one day being a lawyer, a tax accountant or a fireman when they came. The door of the family home was torn from the hinges in a violent fury. He was woken from his dream by the anguished screams of his mother.

Terrified, he ran into the family room only to see the salmon on full attack. One bit off his father’s arm with a sickening crunch splashing gore across the room splashing across the boy’s Winnie the Pooh pajamas. His mother ran into the kitchen only to be cornered by another pair of the giant fish. They toyed with her chasing her between them on massive fins until finally laughing and tore her in two.

The boy had sunk to his knees, broken, his father’s blood spreading in a pool in front of him. Somehow the dismembered man was able to squeak out the words ‘get them, my son. Make them pay.’ His words ended with a sudden crunch as his head was splintered by the mighty jaws of the one of the largest salmon in the room.

Soon they circled around him. He awaited his own death. Instead, inexplicably the salmon laughed and quickly exited the house leaving the boy crying and alone with the blood, the carnage, the destruction.

‘Yes, father. I will get them. Oh, yes I will…

Or at least that is what I hope happened.

You truly have to watch this to really get the understanding of why I am hoping that this man’s family was killed by salmon and he has vowed revenge. Why else would he so savagely destroy this noble fish?

At first you I thought he might be alright. Why would you videotape yourself cutting a fish if you were not good at it? The beheading was done well. The knife is very sharp and heavy. It takes the head off with ease. He even removes the first side basically nicely. However at the 36 second mark you see what looks to be about a quarter inch of flesh left on the skeleton.

It then goes bad. What happens during the two cut scenes I am not certain, but I think in the director’s cut he is seen ejaculating upon the still to be fully brutalized salmon.

The way he takes off the skeleton is savage and without remorse. How much meat is left upon it is of no consequence. This is the salmon that killed his mother after all.

At the 1:33 mark he is taking off a lot of bone and flesh from the top side of the fillet. Why? Nobody willingly does this when breaking down a salmon.

The removal of the rib bones seems a labor. He is not cutting apart a cow here. This is maybe a ten pound salmon. Knowing someone who has the very same deba, I know it is a great knife. This guy is just a sadist bent on vengeance against all salmon kind.

At 2:29 my stomach turns as he has flayed the creature of it’s skin and is now just shredding it. He is documenting on video the fact that he has no technique and should be ashamed. I am ashamed for him.

Finally he pinbones the fucking thing and begins to portion it. Observe his lack of a scale. He is so good he doesn’t need one, ladies and gentlemen! Look at the way he just tossed the uneven portions around not worrying if he is tearing the flesh.

After all of his amazing work we have six uneven, inconsistent portions per side. Fuck me.

I truly expected him at some point to just start hacking at the fish like a maniac.

I can only take solace in the hopes it was a piece of shit farmed Atlantic salmon and not something wild that might require skill and respect when cutting.

Not everyone is Morimoto when it comes to fish fabrication, but this was just staggeringly bad. And to videotape it and post it on the internet for other people to see is just asking for derision.

You sir, despite your great knife and music video are a hack! Trade that knife for a hammer and start making shoes!


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