A Splash of Humor and a Dash of Asshole

Fuck Kitchen Nightmares

Fuck Kitchen Nightmares, seriously!

 The bullshit they show on that show is no nightmare, it’s just people that are really stupid. To have the opportunity to own your own restaurant and piss it away is pure stupidity. Having rotten chicken on your walk in or microwaving entrees to order is a pure lack of caring. Luckily, I have never seen a cook fuck with a customers food. I have heard horror stories, but have never witnessed it. I have seen plenty of cooks do gnarly shit to servers food and even each others, but never a customers. . You want to hear some real kitchen nightmares? These are actual things I have witnessed in kitchens throughout the years (I may or may not have been involved, I take no responsibility).

* Walking in the employee bathroom and catching a dishwasher “tugging his tamale” with his cell phone in the other hand and his apron still on

* Getting a blowjob from a waitress in the walk in while leaning against the door so nobody can walk in on you.

* Smoking a joint in the dishpit and exhaling into the exhaust fan ………. during service

* Doing lines off of anything and everything in the kitchen. Some examples include: the pass, a chef knife, prep tables, dinner plates, the back side of sheet trays and even an occasional toilet in the bathroom.

* Specials consisting of things that are anything but “special.”

* Chefs telling cooks to “sell it anyway” when they should be saying “what the fuck is that, did you shit on that plate.”

* Front of the house staff filling their empty bellies with customers leftovers instead of scraping the plates in the garbage.

* Chefs doing their “grocery shopping” in the walk in of their restaurant and then bitching about food cost

* A very drunk chef acting out scenes from Scarface in the bar of their own restaurant with a room full of customers

* A bar manager bringing his own register into work and ringing in drinks on it all night and pocketing the cash

* Cooks turn one portion of a protein into 3 on the fly (we really make magic happen sometimes)

* A pastry chef sleep on a bed made of dirty linen bags in the locker room so his drunk ass could be on time for his shift in the morning (he was still late)

* A cook who thought the granita for the oysters was actually ice shaved from the walls of the freezer…..and served it

* A late night family meal of pasta made with kief butter

* A chef smoke so much weed on a shift, he spent 2 hours staring at the flame in the pizza oven

* A dishwasher spend his entire shift washing dishes topless because his “shirt got wet”

* A chef hand his cooks a recipe printed off of the food network website,  and tell them that is what we are running as the special for the evening

* A breakfast cook being so drunk he can barely stand up, but yet he can sling over easy eggs like a motherfucker

I have always wanted to see an accurate depiction of kitchen life on television. I think it really could be a huge hit. No bullshit “chef” yelling at fake line cooks or cooks being forced to make amazing food out of a mystery bag full of dicks and quinoa. Im talking about uncensored line cooks working their asses off and being dirt bags. It could be golden.


One response

  1. Gotta tell ya, I really appreciate your honesty. I think I’m a new fan. Keep writing.

    September 12, 2012 at 3:35 pm

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